You’ve finally lost the rag with your neighbour and quite honestly you’re not in the least bit surprised that you have, because tension between you has been building now for ten years, right from that time he planted the leylandii saplings between your properties but promised faithfully he’d keep the hedge trimmed and tidy so as not to affect your enjoyment of your own garden. Of course he hasn’t. 

However the final straw came yesterday when you were out with your wife trying to catch a bit of late summer sunshine before the long tedious winter that lies ahead, but because his hedge is now some thirty-three feet and nine inches tall, you know this for certain because you measured it with a laser, it meant that you were unable to feel the benefit of even so much as one ray of golden warmth.

But now you have a plan to resolve the matter, because earlier today you went to your local building supplies centre and hired a flame thrower, and later tonight you will douse the hedge in petrol and burn it to a cinder.

STOP! It doesn’t have to be like this. Professor of Conflict Resolution at the University of Idaho, Wilbur Grantchester, says there is another way. ‘These sorts of neighbour disputes are quite common but in my experience they can be settled by simply both sides sitting down and talking through the issues reasonably. Compromise is the key.’

But as you said to your wife: ‘Fuck that load of namby-pamby shite! I’m torching that bloody hedge once and for all and if that snotty-nosed little cock comes round here to complain I’ll let him have more of the same treatment!’