A source close to a group of Conservative ultra right-wing nut jobs, has suggested that should a new administration be formed after they have stabbed Theresa May in the back metaphorically, then the sale of foreign food such as Asian, Chinese, Italian, Spanish, German, any sort of fusion, Tex-Mex or indeed any dishes that could be classed as French influenced, for example bistro-style, cordon bleu or haute cuisine will no longer be allowed to be sold to the general public anywhere in The UK.
The source told reporters: ‘Once we have extricated ourselves from the authoritarian rule of the unelected EU, restaurants will only be able to serve plain and simple British food to patrons, and to do otherwise will mean them having their licenses revoked. What is more any chefs responsible for flouting the new regulations will face hefty fines and or lengthy jail terms.
Bill Shite, a costermonger from Billericay and who has a stall in London’s trendy Borough Market says: ‘God bless the Queen! When all this foreign muck is finally banned we’ll then be back to good old British fare. I’m talking about plain, honest and simple grub, the kind of stuff what won us two world wars and built us an Empire where the sun never set. Boiled Beef and Carrots, Jellied Eels and Pie, Mash and Liquor. Never mind that it’s unappetising pap. The main thing is that won’t taste or smell ‘funny’ and that it will be 100% British. Lovely jubbly.’
Unconfirmed reports also suggest that from April 1st 2019 all households must have purchased and installed a flagpole flying a Union flag, and that a simple raising ceremony at sunrise and a lowering one at sunset will be held 365 days a year. Hiring a bugler to play the Last Post, although desirable, will be left to the individual householder’s discretion.