News overnight from Le Golf National in Paris that America’s Ryder Cup Team has undergone a sensational last minute change, and in a first for the tournament Team USA is to be captained by the incumbent POTUS. So out goes veteran Captain and golfing superstar, Jim Furyk, and in his place is now useless Golf Club hacker, Donald Trump.
A White House spokesman said: ‘The President had been looking at the warm-up parings on The Golf Channel’s coverage this week, in between making a laughing stock of himself at the United Nations, and very quickly came to the conclusion that Furyk had to go. It was either Mr Trump would take over or a crack team of Navy Seals was to be dispatched to bring our boys back home before they got started.
Speaking to reporters this morning Mr Trump said: ‘Hey, I’m a great golfer. Just the best golfer, such a great player, the greatest. And I don’t want to see Team USA humiliated by a group of non-Americans.’
‘I just said to Jim – You’re Fired! – and of course he knew I was right. He took it like a man and didn’t argue. And by the way, folks, did you know that he owns no golf courses around the world. Not even one. How bad is that? Awful! Well, Mr Furyk, I own lots. So you gotta ask yourself, who’s the better qualified guy to take on this job? No-brainer. Wow! FACT!’
On hearing the news Tiger Woods is reported to have commentated: ‘Fuck me sideways with a 9-iron!’ and has only agreed to continue to play in the team because of a hush-hush payment of $6,000,000 Mr Trump is believed to have made to each of the players.
Meanwhile Team Europe is said to be ‘very pleased’ at the news with raucous renditions of Olé olé-olé-olé ringing out from their team room non-stop since the news broke.