It has emerged today that Grime Music is pure shite according to a report commissioned on behalf of the BPI.

Author of the study, Professor Darius Metcalf, from the Royal College of Music said: ‘When asked to undertake this project I had major reservations about my preconceptions on this genre. I had more than an inkling that perhaps Grime was shite but I wanted to be dispassionate and totally professional in my assessment as part of our evaluation process. It was imperative that I did so to ensure a fair conclusion.’

‘But in the event I needn’t have worried because after undertaking the research it turned out that I was completely correct. We found without any shadow of a doubt incontrovertible evidence proving Grime is definitely pure and indeed utter utter utter shite.’

The Met Police’s senior officers have welcomed the report’s findings arguing the music has criminal undertones, as the message often contained within the lyrics is disturbing and encourages crimes of drug abuse and extreme violence creating major problems in many areas of the Capital. They are now calling for a curb of Grime on YouTube and other social media platforms where it can be freely listened to.

But Grime ‘musicians’, Bastard Squad, have been quick to hit back. ‘That’s shit, man’ says their leader, trainee accountant David Potter . ‘This professor and the cops know Jack about our music, man. And as for it being a crime in itself, have they never heard Olly Murs?’