There is uproar in the Britain’s leafy suburbs and shires today, as it has been announced by one French waste disposal contractor, that from next April residents will have their refuse collection of food and household waste changed from fortnightly to annually.

Henri De Lanois, CEO of European waste management firm La Grande Idée told BBC: ‘Since David Cameron and his wide-boy city friends advised your councils to sell off waste collection to us French, our sole concern has been to make money for our investors. So what if British tax payers suffer a much worse service? On the upside we make a fortune. As we say en France… pfft! C’est la vie, mon ami.’

Environment Minister, Michael Gove, in response to widespread protests at the news, was not convinced that the move was quite as bad as it was being made out to be. Speaking to Robert Peston he defended the proposals: ‘Well perhaps this idea seems a tad radical at first sight, but it’s one that will see great environmental improvements. For example with many fewer bin lorries on our roads carbon and exhaust gas pollution will be significantly reduced.’

‘On balance I believe it gives our tax payers, and indeed French investors, a great value for money deal, and the price we’ll pay should Bubonic Plague reappear will be a small one when you consider the overall benefits to our environment.’