Ireland according to Boris

With just five months to go before Britain leaps off a cliff into the terrifying abyss of the unknown and a no-deal Brexit, the vexatious issue of Ireland’s border has consistently refused to resolve itself.

Until today that is, for in a speech this evening, backbench Tory buffoon and windbag, Boris Johnson, will say that the Irish Border is no longer a factor because the British Government will now simply refuse to consider it.

Speaking to reporters he said: ‘I-I-I-I-I, ummm – ummm -ummm, look, we have rode roughshod over Ireland for the past five hundred years, if indeed Ireland even exists which, by the way, I am reliably informed it doesn’t, and the mistake we have been making is to even consider these mythical Irish as in any way relevant with regard to England in particular.’

‘So going forward we’re simply ignoring them. If that woman who looks like a gargoyle brings up any tricky questions we’ll stick pencils up our nose and our fingers in our ears and go Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! so we can’t hear her and meanwhile press ahead with our own agenda. England’s agenda, HURRAH!, which after all is the only thing that really matters here.’

But the plan is not playing well in Stormont and DUP leader, Arlene Foster, has made it clear that if her party does not get an acceptable and workable border solution, then they will end their opportunistic and disgraceful propping-up of the lame-duck Tory administration, shamefully bought with a bribe of one billion pounds shaken from the ‘magic money tree’ thereby forcing a General Election.

Said Mr Johnson upon hearing Mrs Foster’s remarks: ‘Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!’ whilst sticking a pencil up each nostril and his fingers in his ears.