Your next door neighbour is a complete and utter arsehole and there can be no doubt about it. His very being now annoys you so much that you are contemplating moving house or else hiring a hit-man to take him out, the stupid fucking 24-carat wanker.

Where do you start? Things have been getting worse day by day to the point that you hate him on sight and just want to go over there and punch his lights out. When he moved in a few months ago you grudgingly had him down as a sort of OKish bloke and you’d nod at one another if your paths happened to cross, but the more you see him now the more irritating he’s become.

That stupid yellow hat he wears for instance. What’s all that about for fuck sake?

You’ve discussed it with your wife but she insists you’re becoming obsessed and there’s nothing wrong with him, it’s just all in your mind, she says, but you remain unconvinced. He’s a fucking bellend and you know it. He definitely is and one of these fine days he’s going to prove it by doing something to expose that he is.

In the meantime you’re going to keep your eye on him, just watching and waiting for the moment he lets his guard down and then you’ll have him. So he’d just better bloody well look out. He really is such a cock. Oh yes!