It has just been announced TV chefs and magazine feature writers have been banned with immediate effect from using the word ‘umami’ when describing the taste of some cooked dishes.
A spokesman for the sanity of mankind said: ‘This evil trend has been growing steadily by stealth but must be nipped in the bud before if gets totally out of hand. ‘Spicy’ and ‘Savoury’ have stood us in good stead for decades and will continue to do so.’
‘Those using this word are spouting nothing other than pseudo babble in a world full of mindless self-aggrandizing stupidity. It is becoming a prevalent as the now ubiquitous and unnecessary usage of ‘so’ at the start of every utterance made by estate agents, sales reps and particularly those from a scientific or technical background when contributing to items on news bulletins or programmes like The One Show.’
But Michelin starred Chef Gordon Ramsay disagrees. ‘I shall flout this facking stupid ban and will continue to use umami at every opportunity – It will be used extensively across my website, mentioned on every restaurant menu and liberally sprinkled throughout each and every one of my television appearances. Why should I stop?
‘Umami allows me to baffle the average punter and make them believe they’re getting something extra special, something that a meal at home cannot capture. OK, so more often than not it’s only just a twist of pepper or a little dash of cayenne but most customers are starstruck clueless mugs prepared to pay an extra 33% on every dish.’