Following the Novichok attack in Salisbury in March and Summer’s subsequent revelations of the identity of the Russian agents who were responsible for it, Theresa May last night said: ‘Britain has spent several weeks brooding over this matter and weighing up recent developments and we have now decided we are not too best pleased.’

Security Minister Ben Wallace said: ‘We are escalating this to a level of seriousness that’s way beyond the normal expulsions of so-called diplomats and implementing sanctions against Russia. We had a COBRA meeting last night and I must tell the world that Britain is to hit back by taking the hitherto unprecedented step of raising our official response level to ‘Hopping mad.’

‘Mr Putin now must sit up and take notice. So just let’s see what he and his gang of sneaks and underhanded dirty-dealing scoundrels will do next. But whatever that may be at least the public can be sure Britain certainly has that pair of rascals who visited Salisbury shaking in their boots.’

‘Believe me, they’ll need to be looking over their shoulders in future, especially when enjoying themselves at expensive and exclusive Russian holiday resorts as part of their perpetual reward.