Residents in a Berkshire suburb have become concerned because that old woman who’s always snooping on everyone from behind her net curtains hasn’t been seen now for a few days.

At last night’s Neighbourhood Watch meeting it was agreed group chairman, Barry Pocock, should knock on her door. If there’s no answer he will have quick ‘shufty’ through the letterbox but if there’s not an overpowering foul stench seeping out to assail his senses, he will let things go for another few days and then maybe try again.

Mr Pocock confirmed ‘We look after one another here and although it’s a concern that the woman hasn’t been seen, as Home Counties dwellers, we are of course extremely standoffish.’

‘So I wouldn’t like to get too involved on a one-to-one basis and maybe run the risk of actually having to interact with her. Heaven forbid!’

‘Naturally I hope she hasn’t fallen over, hit her head on a coffee table and is now currently lying unconscious on the floor with the last of her life slowly ebbing away,’ adds Barry.

‘But at the end of the day I’m sure she wouldn’t want us meddling in her business unnecessarily, say by getting the police involved for example. I expect she’ll show up before too long… Hopefully.’

‘We care passionately about the welfare of our elderly but there is a fine line that we would never cross by intruding on someone’s personal space. After all it’s not as if we’re Northerners.’