An advance party of extraterrestrial visitors planning to make first contact with mankind has snubbed Britain in favour of France because of Brexit. Their choice in particular having been largely influenced, it seems, by Britain’s leave vote in the EU Referendum.
Addressing the world’s media at a press conference in Paris, Supreme Galactic Commander of the Race of Zarl, speaking with the aid of a universal language translator said: ‘We had been going to introduce ourselves to Britain in the first instance. We’d bought into the idea of Britain being the world’s oldest and greatest democracy and we were even prepared to turn a blind eye to their brutal imperialistic past although that was a big ask.’
‘However voting Brexit coupled with the gross and incompetent bungling by their so-called leaders since then has made us realise that they’re essentially a hopeless bunch of incompetent small-minded bigots.’
The Supreme Commander continued: ‘But above everything else it’s Boris fucking Johnson that swung it for us. The man is a Cretin and having to negotiate with him and his ilk would have seen us sure to zap the whole bloody lot of them with our death ray within the first five minutes of sitting around the table.
‘We come in peace but that absolute shower would’ve tested our prime directive – to do no harm unto other races – to the absolute limit, so that’s why we are working with France instead.’
However Boris Johnson seemed unperturbed. ‘We don’t care if these bug-eyed slimy foreigners from Zongo-Zongo land prefer the French. They both seem well-matched if you ask me. These Zongos, or whatever they call themselves, were probably only invading Earth to steal our women, get free housing and claim benefits fraudulently anyway.’