America, a country believed to be the most advanced in the world by a rather deluded former reality TV performer, is today struggling to understand why it is that groups of its citizens are dying whilst going about their daily business.

Some of them while teaching kids, others while just being kids, some going out enjoying a drink with friends and yet others perhaps when visiting a shopping mall.

A Republican Senator, whose political campaigns are part-funded by some people who worship the late film actor John Wayne and his many cowboy and military films, told reporters: ‘This is a very worrying phenomenon and we don’t really know what’s causing it. But we need to get to the bottom of the mystery… that’s for damn sure. Hell yeah!’

‘But so far the only thing we’ve been able to establish linking these incidents is that before citizens start dying then oftentimes witnesses and survivors at the scene have noted they heard a series of rapidly repeated bangs and or a crackling rat-tat-tat kind of noise. But shucks and gee-whiz. Whatever could it be? Just a real baffling puzzle.’

Upon hearing of another similar incident that occurred today The President of America, Donald Trump said at a press briefing: ‘Right before I start, is there anyone in the room not from Fox or who dares disagree with me? No? OK, good. Let’s go.’

‘Once again we’ve had another of these very disconcerting incidents when citizens enjoying a night out with their buddies have mysteriously ended up dead. I have personally asked for this to be looked into by one of our top people, one of the BEST and bigly TOPPEST people, to see if we can establish a cause. In the meantime you can be sure that the friends and families of all those who have died today will be in our thoughts and prayers. Thank you. No questions.’