The Department for Media Culture and Sport has announced that from January 1st it will become mandatory, that should you wish to appear in public sporting a Hipster beard, a licence must be purchased and kept on your person at all times in case you are stopped by Police who will be tasked with implementing the new legislation.

A Junior Minister said: ‘Something needed to be done as the proliferation of Hipster face-fungus over recent years means it has reached almost epidemic proportions. It is obvious that few of these people realise just how bloody stupid they look and it needs to be brought home to them, and the best way to grab their attention is through their pockets.’

Details are sketchy but it’s understood that charges will be levied depending how thick and dense any beard is and prices will be on a sliding scale, starting at £10 for a basic ‘light’ example right up to £1000 for those that make their wearers look like a complete and utter wanker. Additional charges may be necessary for accompanying elaborate hairstyles, gaudily-coloured spectacles and check shirts.

But the news has not been well received, particularly in London’s trendy Hoxton, an area where it’s estimated that almost 99.7% of the entire male adult population sports the full Hipster beard. Said one Hoxtonian: ‘This is not fair and smacks of victimisation and opportunism by the government. If I choose to grow my beard then it’s my own business. It allows me to make a statement that says to the world – I’m unique, I eschew the conventional and I dance to the beat of a different drum.’