Award-winning film director Peter Jackson, the man responsible for JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit series of blockbuster movies, has been speaking to reporters to confirm that after having been asked by PM Theresa May to take footage of Tory MPs metaphorically slaying one another over Brexit, and put a positive spin on it for the next Tory party political broadcast, he has turned the commission down.

Speaking at London’s ICA he told assembled pressmen: ‘They said that Lord of the Rings could never be made in any other format but animation, but I did it. They said there was never more than one moderate length movie in The Hobbit’s total text, but I chanced my arm and made it into three epic box office smashes. I did it!’

Just recently I took hundreds of reels of The Imperial War Museum’s World War 1 footage and made it look like it just happened last week.’

‘However when I reviewed the thousands of hours of the footage with Tories squabbling over Brexit, particularly because most of it featured Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Michael Gove I called Mrs May and told her:’

‘Look love, I’m Peter Jackson, film director, not Jesus Christ miracle-worker. No fucker or indeed all the world’s CGI equipment green screen and computer software could ever make such a shower of shite look in any way palatable to voters.’