Chillingly weird Victorian throwback, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has demanded Education Secretary, Damian Hinds, introduce compulsory Penny-farthing along with Hoop-and-Stick sessions for all senior schools in this upcoming Autumn term’s PE curriculum.
Speaking to BBC Radio 4 he said: ‘Today’s youth is fast-becoming nothing more than an unsavoury slithering obese blob of blubber and it must, with all available alacrity and resolve, be dissuaded from peering endlessly at the screens of these ubiquitous portable magic lantern devices one sees so many of during one’s perambulations around the capital.’
‘I tell you verily that the riding of velocipedes and chasing after hoops and suchlike, for but one hour per day, mark you, provides the requisite levels of exercise needed to reverse this worrying and unpleasant trend. It is also beneficial and efficacious in promoting a ruddy complexion. Therefore I have written to my honourable friend demanding that these changes be implemented no later than the commencement of Michaelmas term.’
However Sydney Kemp, Headmaster of St Peter’s Secondary Modern in Eastbourne has slammed Rees-Mogg’s demands. ‘Perhaps The Right Honourable Member for The Dark Ages might considering doing us all the courtesy of returning to the 21st century and get a grip on himself and his outmoded and archaic suggestions. Where the hell are we get all of these penny-farthings from? The man is a nincompoop and a dolt.’
Following Mr Kemp’s remarks Rees-Mogg has now challenged him to duel. ‘This man Kemp, whomsoever he may be, sounds like something of an uncouth cove and scoundrel. And now having slighted me personally I demand satisfaction. Therefore he must present himself along with his Second at Greenwich Common tomorrow at 6.00 am whereupon we shall settle this matter man to man.’