Research published today shows that since major broadcast networks have been delivering TV news with presenters frequently standing up instead of being permanently seated behind desks for entire bulletins, news has become significantly more doom-laden.

The project, undertaken by Reading University, has taken ten years to complete, given a team of five post graduates a really cushy number and now its findings make interesting reading.

Professor Alan Morrison who headed the project comments: ‘Just look at the ‘entirley seated’ news from years ago. All sorts of good things were happening. The end of World War two, England winning the World Cup and the Queen’s Jubilee in 1977.’

‘But look at the news now, with presenters standing up part of the time! Murder and drug crime everywhere, not to mention Jacob Rees-Mogg, David Davis and Michael fucking Gove polluting our screens night after night banging on and on about Brexit. News today is terrible and our research proves beyond all doubt that there is a direct link to the presenters standing up.’

When Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, was asked his opinion on the proliferation of bad news these days he told reporters: ‘I think the bad news this administration is responsible for is being more than offset by all the top news-totty. Kate Silverton, Susanna Reid and that bint, Fiona somebody or other, who does Antiques Roadshow too. Phoarr! Eh? Eh?’

‘And let’s have more of that one who perches provocatively on the edge of the desk. You know the one, that blond piece? That’s what makes Britain great and what you’ll continue to get under this Conservative Government! Ding dong!’