In a move straight out of some kind of chilling Dystopian novel, it has has announced that from March 2019, as part of a trial, pensioners will be banned from going to town centres and supermarkets between midnight on Wednesdays and Sundays.

A government spokesman said: ‘We are looking into this matter in response to countless thousands of requests from the general public who have been complaining bitterly about OAPs doddering around towns at peak times during the week banging into everyone with their wheelie bags, or else blocking supermarket aisles chatting about Bert’s operation to have a bag fitted or how poor Ada had been found dead at the bottom of her stairs.’

Selfish bastard Peter Hoskins, a jumped-up smarmy Sales Rep from Billericay agrees: ‘Thank God we’ve finally had something done about this. These silly old gits get right on my tits. I’m really busy all the time going to meetings or closing big deals.’

‘I’ve lost count of the amount of times I bump into these people as I’m rushing about not looking where I’m going because I’m shouting into my phone or else texting. So knowing these oldies will no longer be obstructing me from Wednesday onwards, will allow me to plan all my key meetings on Thursdays and Fridays.’

The scheme is to be trialled for three months after which time if it’s proven to be a success, then there is the very real possibility that encountering pensioners will become a thing of the past.

‘It’s not as if we are uncaring to the needs of pensioners but we will monitor the trial before implementing any rash decisions,’ explained the sinister spokesman.