High end supermarket, Waitrose, has given notice that from January 1st it is to ‘wage war’ on its discounting rivals in a ‘no-holds-barred bloody battle’. It’s a move some retail analysts are calling an ambitious attempt to gain back market share lost in recent years.

Ollie Selkirk-Maxwell, New Product Director, speaking to The Grocer said: ‘We’re all really excited as we have done an exclusive deal with HRH, Prince Charles, and his Duchy Originals operation to buy all the swan that Her Majesty doesn’t want and sell it at ‘bargain basement’ prices. We’re starting with our new Regal Swan Burgers at £35 each and that’s a snip. Any typical Waitrose customer would happily pay £75 with a proven royal provenance like that.’

In addition it’s understood that if the product sells well then further ranges of swan-based cook-chill Indian curries and Italian dishes will hit the shelves within weeks. The retailer is even rumoured to be trying to source ethically farmed unicorn meat for further product lines.

Initial market research seems to confirm Waitrose is onto a winner. Unemployed tyre fitter Alex Mason commented: ‘I ain’t hardly got a pot to piss in, me. But I’d happily spend what few quid I do have just to be able to see myself as all la-di-da, and that, living like a regular Waitrose customer, even if it’s just for one day. It would be a dream come true.’

However the news has been given a more lukewarm response by some, with one already lifelong loyal Waitrose customer, @SloaneBintTanya tweeting, Gosh! Swan at Del Boy prices? What kind of customers am I going to have to rub shoulders with? #GhastlyBusiness