A Premiership football manager has been fired after he lost the dressing room.

The club chairman told reporters: ‘The run of terrible results was bad enough. Eight defeats on the spin already had him skating on thin ice but after losing the dressing room he had to go.’

‘There was so much state-of-the-art physio gear and all sorts of other high-tech equipment we’d only recently installed too. Now it’s going to cost the club a bloody fortune to replace it if we can’t find what the stupid bugger’s done with it.’

And the club’s star centre forward agrees with his chairman. ‘The gaffer had to go. He couldn’t get anything right and he just seemed to have simply run out of ideas. It was completely hopeless.’

‘We’d been beaten 2-0 at home and went down the tunnel to get changed. We then spent the next hour trying to find the dressing room but it had gone! All our stuff was in there too including my £25,000 Rolex and the keys to the Bentley.’

‘In the end we had to wait until the opposition lads left the stadium so we could use the away team dressing room. Talk about embarrassing. It was the final kick in the bollocks for the lads, and all the gaffer could do was just stand there looking lost himself.’

Speaking about the sacking on Match of the Day Gary Lineker commented: It’s an ignominious end for him, and after all he promised when he came to the club too… but then that’s football. Lose the dressing room… lose the lot.’