Britain’s current Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, has spent the Christmas break taking a crash course learning and perfecting the skills of the flatulist, to allow him to better conduct final Brexit deal negotiations with the EU in the coming weeks.
In a new initiative to win further concessions he is to travel to Brussels later this week along with Theresa May, where it is understood that during talks and to musical accompaniment by the PM on a portable digital keyboard, he will fart the main melody line to ‘Two World Wars and one World Cup Doo-dah Doo-dah’ repeatedly until European negotiators are worn down and will agree to all of Britain’s terms out of sheer nausea.
A government spokesman said: ‘We have high hopes that this will provide the breakthrough needed to bring accord around the negotiating table. You see these people need to be spoken to in language they can understand and this seems the perfect answer. After all wasn’t it Europe, and particularly the French, who brought the world Le Pétomane?’
And in an unusual display of Tory Party unity it is understood Boris Johnson is almost in complete agreement with the move. ‘At last we’re going to get somewhere with this new and brilliant strategy, lots of disrespectful guffy-wuffy stink- bombs and nasty noxious woof-woofs is just what Johnny Foreigner needs.’
‘I say give him a taste, or in this case a smell, of his own medicine! My only one regret is that I wasn’t chosen to carry out this part of our negotiation as I have many-many long years experience of talking out of my arse.’