Britain has been put on the highest alert possible after intelligence reached joint chiefs of staff that a small rubber dinghy with a family of four on-board has left a secret location in France bound for Britain.

It is understood that those risking their lives in a attempt to find safety are a desperate father, mother and two terrified children all fleeing terrible oppression and persecution, and all hellbent on getting to Britain to carry out atrocities such as saving their own lives and then possibly holding down worthwhile taxpaying jobs as good and decent members of our society.

So grave and sinister is this development that Home Secretary, Sajid Javid, has taken charge of the operation to hunt the family down personally, and is is believed to be aboard a naval vessel on standby ready to aurhorise the launch of ‘whatever force is necessary’ should the dinghy be spotted in The Channel.

Speaking to reporters invited onto the vessel to blanket-cover just how much of a dynamic figure he really is Mr Javid said: ‘This is a national emergency of immense proportions. If these four manage to get to the UK, then by may reckoning that will make a total of very nearly eight or possibly as many as ten altogether. It really is that bad!’

‘That’s why I’m out here strutting around on th high seas to ensure that Britain is kept safe from these people who would otherwise overrun us. It’s what the Daily Mail and it’s readership would want and expect me to do, and as I know it will play well with the electorate I do not intend to shirk my duty by missing such an opportunity.’

‘Oh and who knows, with a bit of luck might see you all in No. 10 in time for the Summer Season.’