There was a sensational development last night in The House of Commons, for verily even as did the tellers reveal the devastatingly humiliating defeat Mrs May suffered over her voted down EU exit deal, and amid all the cheering and raucous yah-boo-sucksing, there was a peal of thunder and a blinding flash of light causing all to fall silent.
Then did David Cameron suddenly appear in the chamber, hovering in mid-air above the Speaker’s Chair and finally the scales fell from everyone’s eyes and all the pieces of the Brexit Shambles slotted into place. For behold he was openly wearing upon his finger The One True Ring that all thought had perished when it had been destroyed in the fiery pits of Mordor’s Cracks of Doom.
As seven hooded emissaries quickly overcame The Sergeant at Arms and his officers, freezing MPs to their seats with an evil incantation, Mrs May was taken away by a group of hideous-looking Orcs, or Young Conservatives as they’re known by some, and then in a fell voice Cameron addressed the Chamber.
‘All kneel before me you pathetic wretches! For I have plotted and planned this moment since granting Britain’s moronic electorate free rein to let their racist hatred and vile xenophobia be the catalyst that would ultimately, and indeed quite ironically, put an end to Nigel Farage and the rise of his UKIP rabble who at the time were eroding my absolute power.’
‘But now by the power of the Ring I now do verily dissolve this appalling excuse of a government, yet in its place immediately set up a new administration where I am the one Lord and Master. You will all bow down before me or else!’
Politicians and media then looked on in total horror when veteran MP Dennis Skinner was vapourised by a fire-bolt hurled at him by ‘Lord’ Cameron after he rose and tried to raise a point of order.’
Robert Peston gives this analysis: ‘I think Mr Cameron never intended to retire and this was always his plan. That stuff about UKIP was just a happy coincidence in my view. But I have it on good authority that what he said in his address to the house was nothing but a smokescreen.’
‘According to my sources the simple fact of the matter is that after two and a half years Samantha is sick of the fucking sight of him hanging around the house wearing skanky horrible off-white Y-Fronts, eating beans and toast and scratching his bollocks all day long.’
Meanwhile amid all the chaos, confusion and uncertainty, Danny Dyer is believed to have fled the UK for fear of his life.