At a press conference earlier today Jacob Rees-Mogg announced the ERG has settled the current Brexit farrago for once and for all.
Speaking to the assembled reporters and journalists he said: ‘I was continuing to wrestle with this seemingly insoluble and dashed vexatious conundrum when suddenly it dawned upon me that the answer had been staring me in the face all along’.
‘So I instigated a telephonic conversation with a pal of mine from The Drones Club, one Bertie Wooster, and asked him to consult his man, Jeeves, to see if perhaps the aforementioned Jeeves could smooth the whole thing over. And by Jove, he called me back within the hour with a proper snifter of a wheeze.’
‘Consequently I am pleased to announce Brexit is now settled. You see Jeeves is quite the genius and can find an answer to everything.’
When pressed for the details upon which the solution is based Rees-Mogg said: ‘In the end it was quite simple. Jeeves suggested that what we needed to do was surreptitiously purloin the EU’s copy of the agreement made with Mrs May, then rewrite it, and this is the rather clever bit, omitting the clauses on the Irish backstop and the payment of £39 billion pound divorce bill.’
‘All we have to do after that is pop the revised version back into Mr Barnier’s briefcase, and hey presto! Everything will be oojah-cum-spiff, as being a foreigner Barnier is a bit of a dumb brick, do you see?’
‘Of course as usual Jeeves suggested that Bertie should do the deed and after some procrastination and a few feeble excuses he acquiesced and he’s over there in Brussels currently seeing to it all.’
Then like a conjurer pulling a rabbit from a hat Mr Rees-Mogg presented Jeeves to sum up. Jeeves said: ‘The matter was easily solved by using the tried and tested method of studying the psychology of the individual. Once I had formulated my plan and keeping that modus operandi to the fore, I was entirely sure that it could not fail and so it has proven to be so.’
As the meeting broke up Mr Rees-Mogg invited those present to observe how Jeeves’ head jutted out rather noticeably at the back. A feature Rees-Mogg said was down to a diet that consisted almost entirely of fish.