Wine Buffs across the nation are today preparing themselves for what the non wine drinking community is calling a long-overdue comeuppance against ‘the preposterous drivel they write and come out with’ when talking about their favourite tipple.

One such non wine drinker and founder of the online ‘Wine-Tossers’ website, Tony Ormroyd, explains: ‘Hmm, yes. This South African Chardonnay from the Kronos Vineyard has a great nose, is wonderfully oaky and has long, mellow, smooth finish. I mean what the fuck does that mean? It is nothing short of pseudo-babble aimed at snobs and other deluded numptys who think that spending a fortune on squashed-up grapes makes them superior to the rest of us.’

‘At the end of the day they’re just trying to justify getting pissed. Simple as that. They make me sick! Look, I drink beer and what I’d say about that to others is: If you want to get really hammered then eight pints of  Bishop’s Sweaty Scrotum will do the job very nicely indeed. That conveys the message and is refreshingly unpretentious.’

But TV Wine Expert and Oenophile, Gervais de Monfort, has hit back denying that the wine community is inhabited by nothing more than elitist snobs. ‘Wine is like a religion to me and other wine aficionados. It is a way of life that encompasses our hopes, dreams and aspirations. It is why we live, why we breathe… and the very reason why we exist.’

‘And come to think of it, and… this is slightly embarrassing… why I sound like a prize pillock banging on about it. Err… sorry. Erm… yes… perhaps I ought to shut up and stop talking such a monumental load of utter bollocks and get myself a real job.’