Ordinary no-nonsense tell-it-like-it-is diamond geezer, Darren Matthews, has hit out at what he’s calling pretentious arty-farty types, laying charges against two new popular trends he says are getting right up his nose and are driving him and his drinking mates down the pub ’round the bleedin’ bend.’

‘First off, I’m going with reimagining, right?’ growls Darren. ‘Well what’s all that about? So-and-so’s reimagined this, such-and-a-body’s reimagined that. What a load of old pony! Do they mean remade?’

‘That’s what we’re really talking about here, ain’t it. I’m sick of hearing about LPs and films being reimagined. They’re being REMADE you bunch of beardy facking hipster weirdos!’

‘And then second off,’ he continues by now having worked himself up into a right lather, ‘Facking curating! Do they mean choosing or selecting? There’s hardly a programme on Radio 4 that ain’t peppered with wall-to-wall ‘curated content’ from start to finish.’

‘Well sorry, but that’s just pretentious bollocks and I’m fed up with hearing it morning noon and night. It makes me sick!’

Rant over, the self-made owner of a chain of costermonger businesses then excused himself, explaining ‘he couldn’t hang around’ owing to a prearranged meeting with his Feng shui consultant. Seemingly to harmonise the energy forces currently upsetting the equilibrium of qi flowing through his Isle of Dogs luxury penthouse