In a candid interview last night Theresa May revealed she once considered killing a stuck-up fuc*ing Toff.
‘It was after I had been humiliated by Boris Johnson and I’m not proud of it now,’ said The Prime Minister in that chillingly grating voice she uses during PMQs.
‘But after he made a complete and utter shambles of several major internationally sensitive issues as Foreign Minister, he then had the nerve to jack it in leaving me looking vulnerable and exposed, I wasn’t too best pleased I can tell you.’
‘And as if that wasn’t bad enough he openly challenged my authority undermining my leadership by writing beastly things in his Telegraph column. The impudent swine! Grrrr!’
‘So for several weeks after he resigned I found myself going out and about in and around Belgravia and Pall Mall with a rounders bat tucked inside my coat, you know, just hanging around close to Gentlemen’s Clubs.
‘I was honestly hoping that some stupid overprivileged tosser, just any marbles-in-mouth fuck*ng upper class dickhead really, would come out and try to start something with me over our Brexit negotiations.’
‘Because believe me, if they had done I’d have killed the toffee-nosed bast*rd! I feel confused about my emotions and I’m only pleased that Jacob wasn’t in town at that time, or who knows how things might have turned out.’
‘Of course I’m full of remorse now for my appalling reaction. I can only put it down to being the daughter of a clergyman and all the feelings of repressed angst and frustration that entailed.’