Amazon has announced it is to launch a new service that will enable subscribers to pay to have a personal representative read the Daily Mail on their behalf.
Those using the service will be sent regular links to hate-filled responses on the Mail’s comments page posted on their behalf in an online identity chosen when subscribing, thus allowing them to participate vicariously in irrational ill-informed bigotry and sick trolling activity.
It will be possible to stipulate the age and social background of your reader with a sliding scale of costs starting from the entry level, an ill-informed young mum, right through to the top-of-the-range gold star service, a seventy five year-old UKIP-supporting homophobic racist and hardcore xenophobic little englander from Chelmsford.
A spokesman for Amazon said: ‘This will enable members of the public who are not completely deluded fuckwits to keep abreast of what Brexiteers are thinking on issues such as immigration and capital punishment without the need to read it for themselves.’
Gyles Monroe, a Vicar from Chalfont St Peter has welcomed the service. ‘I once was given a complementary copy of the Daily Mail when I stayed at a Holiday Inn. By the time I had finished reading it I found myself doubting the existence of God and was going to quit my ministry and become an avenging vigilante paedophile hunter.’
The Amazon spokesman continued: ‘To read The Mail just once is an experience normal right-thinking people would never wish to have happen again, therefore we believe this service will quickly become very popular and if there is sufficient uptake then we have plans to extend it to cover The Express.’