New hard-hitting legislation is to be introduced that will see it become a criminal offence for restaurants to serve any menu item in a ‘deconstructed’ style. Furthermore, there will be a lesser offence banning individual ingredients being served in anything other than a singular ‘way’.

Consequently a menu item such as Deconstructed  Coq au Vin with Cumulonimbus Cloud Essence Topped With a Prismatic Catamaran and Otto von Bismark Mushrooms in 3 ways, could carry a hefty jail term depending on the overall level of pretentiousness determined by the court.  

Says food critic, James Absolom: ‘This is a move that has been long overdue. For too long now chefs and restaurants have been getting away with charging up to five times over the odds for what is essentially nothing special in any way whatsoever. It’s just a cynical and calculated rip-off.’

‘In particular the Heston Blumenthal effect has made a mockery of the entire restaurant industry, with one greasy spoon caff that I know in the East End now serving Deconstructed Full English with 4  Breads and Baked Beans in 3 ways.’

However former costermonger, arch-chancer and many say, the luckiest man on TV, Gregg Wallace has hit back at the proposals: ‘I don’t agree with this new law, which if it comes in will no longer allow me and my mucker, John Torode, to talk utter bollocks when we’re presenting Masterchef without fear of imprisonment.’