Neville Thompson from Smethwick is cock-a-hoop today after becoming what’s thought to be the first person in the world to use every last drop of superglue in the tube he bought a few years ago.
Until now it’s been widely accepted that for every tube purchased the consumer will actually only ever use a minuscule .00004% of its contents, therefore making Neville’s achievement all the more remarkable.
Research Chemist Alan Lamar explains: ‘Superglue, by volume actually used, has now become one of the most expensive commodities on Earth. We buy it typically for a very specific job just to use a blob the size of a pinhead. Then we replace the lid and put it away in our ‘odds and ends drawer’ in the mistaken belief that it will still ready to use the next time we need it.’
‘But you see that’s the problem because when we do go to use it again the damn cap’s seized up and no amount of twisting and turning loosens it. We then set about the thing with a safety pin and of course rupture the fiddly little tube, get glue on our hands which then somehow become stuck to our kitchen worktop.
When we finally get them free and return back home from A&E, where we’ve had to go to have the wounds dressed because we’ve lost several layers of skin, the tube has hardened off. So in a fit of temper we hurl the fu*king thing in the bin. Only we don’t… it’s now stuck to our fingers because some little bastard bit of glue has oozed out the pinhole…’
‘Look, to tell you the truth… just fu*k off, will you. And here’s a quote for you article, chum – fu*k stupid fu*king bastard superglue! Right?’
Meanwhile having beaten such overwhelming odds Neville has set his sights on another, what many say is an impossible task. He hopes to watch an entire episode of Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway when the wacky Geordie pair are reunited on our screens later in the year.