Petulant fourth form schoolboy and, God only knows knows how, Defence Minister Gavin Williamson, has finally been given permission to wear big boy trousers by his school Matron, Olive Jacques, whenever he’s speaking in Parliament or appearing on TV.

‘That is providing he’s a good boy and doesn’t say anything else that’s very very silly,’ said the buxomly curvaceous Ms. Jacques.’

Williamson will no longer appear at the dispatch box or on Question Time wearing his Saint Custard’s uniform after Matey confirmed she had been authorised by Tory Central Office to buy him ‘a nice new outfit’ understood to be a ‘lovely blue suit and matching spotted tie from Marks & Spencer.’

Since the announcement there have been several reports that he has been seen in and around the bars and tea rooms of Westminster, standing in front of every mirror and plate glass window he can find, admiring himself and his new togs from every possible angle while repeating over and over again ‘Gavin is a big boy now. Gavin is a big boy now.’

However with his well-earned reputation of being a jumped-up beastly little oik Matron is taking no chances. ‘I have bought lots of Gavin’s favourite tuck as an incentive for him to toe the line, so every time he doesn’t say something in public about bombing Russia or invading China, he gets a special ‘good boy treat’ along with a glass of warm milk as I read him his bedtime story before lights out.’