Gary Stevens from Dunstable, a staunch advocate of Brexit, claims he was subjected to a harrowing ordeal at the hands of a French family when he was sensationally kidnapped as he walked down his local High Street.

‘I had just left Mr Singh’s corner shop after buying my Daily Mail and was heading home looking forward to getting apoplectic about what benefit cheats and foreigners were getting up to next, when someone threw a sack over my head and I was bundled into the back an old Citroen 2CV.’

Mr Stevens says he woke up in a Paris suburb the next day in a house belonging to the Bertillon family where he had to watch several black and white films with only subtitles to give him a clue what was going on.

‘But the worst bit was when they asked me peel this knobbly thing, crush it up and add it to some muck they called Cock and Bull or something. And as if that wasn’t bad enough I had to suffer the humiliation of eating it later that evening while they drank what Mister Bertillon called “a very quaffable and full-bodied red”.’

‘It was rank! Yeah, and guess what, they actually expected me to believe they didn’t have any pale ale or even a corned beef sandwich that I could have had instead.’

Mr Stevens says the ordeal only ended when he was finally released at Calais Ferry Terminal with a first class ticket home, but not before his captors taunted him one last time by giving him ‘a lump of stinking bloody cheese and some bubbly wine stuff that I flushed straight down the lav.’

‘They said they meant me no harm but if that’s European living then you can stick it where the sun don’t shine. Thank God we voted leave!’