Home Secretary, Sajid Javid, told Parliament today that in an attempt to clean up London’s current spate of knife crime he has appointed DCI Gene Hunt to head up a new task force.
‘Once boffins have opened up the necessary wormhole in the space-time continuum, Mr Hunt and his team will be teleported to 2019 and immediately briefed on the current situation. He will then be given all necessary clearances to allow him and his colleagues to get on with the job in hand,’ Mr Javid explained.
However already the appointment has not proven popular, with Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott telling reporters: ‘This shows the Tories haven’t a clue how to deal with what is a rapidly worsening situation. Mr Hunt is a maverick and loose cannon, a misogynist and quite possibly a borderline racist too. But setting all that aside… he is a fictional character and doesn’t actually exist!’
But speaking on GMB earlier, via some kind of special science-fiction gubbins that you needn’t bother yourself about, DCI Hunt was quick to deny Abbott’s assertion.
‘So the Gene Genie doesn’t exist, eh? Well bollocks to that love! I’m as real as Jeremy Corbyn’s unreserved respect for Boris Johnson’s personal integrity. So listen sweetheart, I’m on my way and I’m gonna get this heap of steaming bovine excrement cleaned up.’
‘And here’s my message to any little knife-toting, gun-slinging shit-heads who get get in my way. I will rip your knackers off you with my bare hands and ram them down you skinny little throats. That’s the gospel according to Gene Hunt – Chapter 7 – verse 1.