Plans have been announced for a radical shakeup of A&E waiting times after a year-long consultation process identified they are rarely met anyway, and as a consequence they make the government seem incapable of handling the NHS effectively.

Gone will be the much maligned 4-hour maximum wait target, replaced by a new ‘survival of the fittest strategy’ designed ‘to build a better and stronger Britain’.

A government spokesman who’s considering defecting to UKIP or whatever ragbag collection of deluded nutters emerges once Theresa May’s Brexit deal is voted down in the Commons tomorrow said: ‘For too long we have pandered to the niceties of this weak idea of a so-called fair system where everyone just takes their turn. That’s nothing more than another example of namby-pamby Lefty political correctness gone wrong.’

‘It’s making our once great country look soft. That’s why these bloody foreigners are taking the piss with us over Brexit. Britain has always called the shots and so she shall once again.’

Details are sketchy but it’s understood that if you can mouth-off and force your way to the front of the queue upon arrival at A&E then you’ll be seen first. If you can’t then tough shit! You’ll be treated when the rush settles down a bit, and if you happen to die beforehand… well then that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Deal with it.

The spokesman went on say the idea will be rolled out in areas where it has been identified the greatest proportion of the electorate supports Labour and lives in relative poverty. He did however go to great lengths to confirm that if you are well off then you don’t need to worry as you will simply continue to rock up at your usual 5-star private clinic in the normal way.