Car manufacturer BMW has announced that all of its new models are to be fitted with state-of-the-art ‘arrogant bastard software’ from next year.

Spokesman Lars Ullman said: ‘BMW divers think they own the road and drive with astounding levels arrogance already, so really this is a natural progression for R&D engineers to build in new enhancements that will make this even easier and more pleasurable for our customers.’

It’s understood the new features are built around BMW’s much-anticipated ‘Aggressive Cruise Control’ software package which will allow Sales Reps and other assorted dicks to automatically cut you up at the very last second where 3-lane motorways merge into two.

‘The beauty here is that our drivers will still be able to remain on their phones making notes with one hand while holding a Ginsters Cornish Pasty in the other without even having to take time to perform the ‘cut-up’ manoeuver themselves. The new software handles it all automatically,’ says Ullman enthusiastically.

One BMW driver, Piers Waltham, a National Sales Manager in the construction industry commented: ‘So – firstly I’d just like to say ‘key takeaways and learnings’ for no reason whatsoever’.

‘So – this is really exciting and I already have my order placed for an i8 with the new software, as I’m a complete and utter self-opinionated wanker, just ask any of my team. It’s just a no-brainer for me, going forward.’