He’s broken his neck after being caught in an avalanche on Everest. He narrowly cheated death when he plunged 250 feet off a sheer rock face while climbing Ireland’s Cliffs of Moher, and the three missing fingers on his right hand stand as painful testament to the severe frostbite he contracted during his one-man expedition to the North Pole in 2012, wearing only a t-shirt and sarong.
But now Britain’s super-explorer and ace adventurer, Sir Rafe Glenthorpe-Protheroe, says he’s finally found a lifehack to his many near death scrapes and is one hundred percent convinced that as a consequence he has suffered his last serious adventure-related injury.
Speaking on The One Show he said: ‘You know, I’ve smashed very nearly every bone in my body but I’ve finally worked out how to stop it happening. And I could kick myself because the answer has been staring me in the face for decades. Just like so many things, it’s obvious once you cotton on.’
‘In June we were due to set off to track down rare Snow Leopards in the most remote of regions of South Asia when I suddenly thought, bollocks to that. It’s just too flipping dangerous. In fact at my age it’s complete madness when you think about it. So that’s all cancelled and instead I’m off with the wife on a 5-star cruise around the Caribbean, where I can live in the lap of luxury and put myself in no physical danger whatsoever.’
Sir Rafe went on to confirm that his much-anticipated climb, without a safety harness, up the outside of world’s tallest building, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, will now not be going ahead either. ‘I shall simply stay at home, do a bit of light gardening and read a book. Perfectly splendid and of course eminently sensible too,’ he explained.
But long-time rival, Captain Bernard Fanshaw-Gibney has been quick to pour scorn on Rafe’s new-found safety first and wellbeing ethos. ‘So old Rafey’s lost his bottle, eh? Well I take a dim view of his cowardly behaviour. It jolly well makes the exploring slash adventure-seeking community look pretty soft if you ask me.’
‘Rest assured thrill-seekers, you certainly won’t see me chickening out when I lead my next expedition to swim with alligators in the Florida Everglades. So what if I get torn limb from limb? At least I’ll be able to face my public and hold my head up high, even if it does have to be mounted on a plinth.’