Super Sales Manager Phil Redmere has been ‘top dog’ in every sales team he has worked in. From irrigation systems to patio doors he’s sold the lot and then some.

Always switched on and with an unerring ability to spot exactly the right time to close the deal, Phil’s been a ruthless selling machine and it’s brought him many of the finer things in life. A four-bedroomed house in Cheadle, one of his former office admin girls, the stunning Pauline is now his wife, and don’t let’s forget his Florida beach front villa complete with 20-metre swimming pool.

But now he’s intending to turn his back on all of that. Speaking to Concrete Reinforcing Journal he said: ‘It’s true. I really am quitting. I woke up one morning and just realised that I wasn’t a Sales Manager at all. A much more accurate job description would be Total Wanker.’

‘I’ve spent twenty or more years being a twat. Telling lies, blowing smoke up the arses of people I despise and just being an absolute dick. Nobody likes me – certainly none of my reps who only laugh at my jokes because I’d sack them if they didn’t. I’m tolerated by my boss because I can somehow get the sales rolling in, but it’s only as a result of having an overactive smarm gland and not slightest hint of self awareness or conscience.’

‘Put me close to closing a deal and my smarm gland just starts oozing gallons of the stuff. You should see the rate I go through my bespoke Pierre Cardin suits. If I even get an entire week out of one then I know it’s been a slow week for sales.’

But it’s not entirely sure what the future holds for Phil because as an alternative to selling he briefly trialled life as a Buddhist, however he was quickly asked to leave the monastery when he tried to sign his brother monks up for an online wellness meditation service. ‘I just couldn’t resist the commission structure,’ he said ruefully.