So you’re a junior ERG member but because Jacob Rees-Mogg, Boris Johnson and Mark Francois are unavailable, all three having contracted a dose of the raging shits after eating some entrecote steak in garlic butter, your name is now in the frame as spokesman to face the cameras for a few days.
But how are you going to mouth off a load of rabble-rousing jingoistic bollocks, disparage Mrs May’s deal and push the crazy narrative that the UK crashing out Brexit without any agreement in place with the EU is a good thing?
Well relax as we’re pleased to give you twelve handy tips. And who knows, just like Mr Francois if you can manage to become obnoxious enough you could start to make a bit of name for yourself with Union Jack vest-wearing thugs and skinheads down the Dog and Duck.
1. Be a chippy, bumptious and deeply irritating jumped-up berk at all times.
2. Cultivate a diamond geezer persona that not even a mother could bring herself to love.
3. Bang on about your time as a soldier in the TA, and don’t forget to say ‘the will of the people’ and ‘democracy’ in every sentence you utter.
4. Throwing the odd completely inappropriate biblical quotation into the mix might well fool your target audience you are very clever, and not the complete arse every sensible person knows you are.
5. Perhaps adopting a ludicrously stuck-up ultra-posh accent and getting the sort of haircut your Mum might have given you with a pair of hedge clippers and a pudding basin might work.
6. Consider ditching your Hugo Boss designer glasses in favour of a pair of NHS style round ones.
7. Dress and comport yourselves as if you’ve just been plucked from the pages of a PG Wodehouse novel**, emphasise your true man-of-the-people credentials by spouting Latin incessantly and call your kids rather fanciful names.
8. Say anything at all that you think will play well with fellow Brexit supporters. You don’t need to have any conviction about or even believe a single word of it. Brexiteers will just suck up any unsubstantiated one-sided load of old cobblers.
9. Be prepared to forgo having even the slightest shred of personal integrity or shame.
10. Don’t be afraid to change your opinion on everything as often as necessary just so long as you feel it improves your own personal standing in the public eye.
11. If possible project the image of a bumbling oaf and maybe consider a new hairstyle.
12. Should the opportunity presents itself, be sure to rugby tackle a ten year-old child to the ground or look like an absolute tit getting stuck in mid-air on a zip wire during a photo opportunity. The people you’re trying to appeal to will still think you’re a great statesman-in-waiting despite your many previous toe-curling gaffes.
There you are…no, don’t mention it. Just follow these twelve simple steps and you too could soon find yourself vying for the job of Party Leader and Prime Minister. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and face those cameras. We’re all wishing you the very best of British luck!
**see the character Augustus (Gussie) Fink-Nottle as portrayed in the TV series Jeeves & Wooster for a perfect visual reference.