TV Supervet Dr Sean Hennessey, has upset many moggy lovers by claiming cats are unpleasantly cunning animals that love nothing better than provoking conflict by doing their dirty business in your neighbour’s flowerbeds.
‘They’re bastards and have this inbuilt sense of malice and smug aloofness,’ explains Hennessey. ‘They only let their guard down briefly when owners stand at the door, banging a tin of food with a spoon. But once they have eaten the food they couldn’t give two fucks about humans at all… especially owners.’
‘But now here’s the thing. They fully understand the fragile politics of inter-neighbour relations and really get off on upsetting this dynamic by not shitting in their own garden, but by doing so in next door’s instead.’
Tiddles, a moggy owned by confirmed bachelor and HR Manager Mike Rumbold purred: ‘What can I say, I love the buzz of getting my so-called master into trouble by taking a massive dump in a neighbour’s flowerbeds.‘
‘Last week I had such a giggle when he called out the guy next door for trying to shoot me with an air rifle after I pissed all over his geraniums. Now how was I to know the guy was a professional wrestler and would beat seven bells out of my owner?’