Some welcome respite for our Brexit-divided nation as news has emerged overnight from Beijing that Yorkshireman, Charlie Updike from Settle, has won Gold at the The World Pedantry Championships in the Pigheadedness 20-minute Short Standoff.
Updike described as “a reet dour bastard” by close friends, emerged victorious in a closely-fought showdown when he defeated American challenger Chuck Casashushafink by sticking to his guns and refusing to give an inch when many lesser men might have buckled, as the two played out a tense final in a retail-based role play.
Playing the part of a car salesman Charlie repeatedly declined Casashushafink’s application to take out a credit agreement in order to buy the competition’s prescribed small family saloon car.
A packed stadium looked on in rapt tension as despite the American being able to provide a substantial sum to use as a deposit, he only had one piece of ID with him (his passport) so technically did not qualify for the loan without going back to America to get a second item showing his home address (utility bill or similar).
Under the strict competition rules he would have run out of time so was faced with no alternative but to admit defeat and shake Updike’s hand.
Speaking after his victory a nonplussed Charlie still looking glum but proudly wearing his medal said: ‘Eee, lad, it were a proper tough in’t final. I thought I were a gonner when he whipped out passport. It were just lucky he blundered on’t second piece ID. Mind, I nearly gave in when he started sobbing but I somehow dug deep.’
It’s now understood when he returns home next week Charlie is to be drafted into the Brexit withdrawal negotiation team in the hope that his skills can be used to break the deadlock.