It’s being reported that Arlene Foster and her MPs are offering to support Mrs May’s Brexit deal but only if a ducking stool and stocks are constructed in every town, village and hamlet with public punishments meted out for the following transgressions.

Suspected witches will be ducked at noon every Saturday and anyone who is found identifying as having a sexuality other than heterosexual will receive ’10 lashes o’ the Cat’.

Those espousing Catholicism will be punished by a 30-minute session on The Rack until they ‘denounce Rome and all its evils’, while having ‘a wee bit of foreign-sounding accent’ will mean Internment without trail pending deportation ‘back to where they came from’ so it will.

It’s understood Mrs May is uncomfortable with the DUP’s terms but Jacob Rees-Mogg commented: ‘I’m rather looking forward to bringing the children to punishments – and mayhap also a splendid and bounteous hamper should the weather prove clement’.