Having been elected by a landslide former comedian and lawyer but now the new Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelensky, has addressed the country on his first day in office.
However sounding very vague and mumbling to himself throughout the entire speech, Ukraine’s media is already beginning to question the wisdom of the decision made by its people.
Here is a transcript of what Mr Zelensky said.
My fellow Ukrainians,
Well who’d have thought it? I mean you’ve gotta laugh haven’t you? Erm… Anyway here’s one. Stop me if you’ve already heard it.
So, a Ukrainian, a Russian and a Latvian walk into a bar and the Ukrainian says… no, hang on, I am only joking… or actually I’m not. I really need to put all that shtick behind me now… know what I mean… hahaha!
It is a great honour that you have put your trust in me, although God know why or indeed what on earth you were thinking, you bunch of right mentals you. What ARE you like? Eh? Bloody bonkers, that’s what!
Cards on the table time. I know nothing about politics at all really, you see I’m just a bit of a clown off the TV, so to have a person such as me installed as a world leader is simply unprecedented… well almost. Eh? Eh? Ba-dum TISH!
Which reminds me, the first leader to call and congratulate me was President Trump. Although he was a bit pushy if I’m being honest as he insisted on inviting himself to our country to talk about some amazing real estate opportunities and hot hookers.
Anyway… erm… Ah yes… now I wouldn’t say Vladimir Putin is a dangerous and deranged lunatic…
No, there’s no punchline… I just wouldn’t say it, as I want to live until my old age and preferably in Kiev and not under Russian annexation. Oh! a little bit of politics there ladies and gentlemen… yes indeed… yes indeed! Mr Pee… Mr Pee!
Christ this is tough… think man, think… come on… OK! – OK! Right take my mother-in-law. Now I wouldn’t say she’s fat, but… no, you just can’t get away with that sort of stuff nowadays. Fuck it!
Look come on… you’re a statesman now. Yessss, how about this then? In the coming weeks I shall be announcing some policies just as soon as I’ve thought of some, although I think I’ll definitely be building a wall somewhere as it seems popular. And don’t worry as the Mexicans will pay for it. Yes they will. FACT. Wow!
But now I’d like to leave you all with a happy feel-good song. Professor if you please.
*Bring me sunshine, in your smile.
Bring me laughter, all the while
In this world where we live, there should be more happiness…*
Anyway that’s all from me. You’ve been a great crowd. GOODNIGHT!