A damning report has been published singling out tyre and exhaust centres as providing Britain’s most unsatisfactory levels of customer service; even worse than Post Offices.

Report author Roger Clarke says: ‘Visiting one is a nightmare. You have to allow almost a full day for a process that should take no more than an hour.’

‘No matter what time you arrive, even if it’s 2 am, there are always four customers already there, so you sit awaiting your turn in a squalid room so grubby it wouldn’t be out of place in an abattoir.’

‘Eventually,’ continues Clarke ‘they hoist your car up on a ramp lulling you into thinking something’s about to happen. Hmph, if only, because all that happens is the fitter taps your exhaust with a mallet before deciding to fix three punctures first then going out the back for a fag.’

‘Next you’re told they haven’t got your part but someone’s gone to another branch to get one for you. That takes another three hours. Work finally begins on your car, but not before it’s abandoned for further twenty minutes to deal with a phone call.’

‘Just as you contemplate running amok and committing mass murder with a wheel brace a miracle occurs and your car is finally completed.’

But Jim Lavery, CEO of Speedy-Fit has slammed the report as an ‘utter fabrication’. He told What Car: ‘This is a gross exaggeration, we… oh… hang on… if you’ll excuse me for second, I’ve just got to… erm… back in a minute…’