Defence Minister Gavin Williamson’s Mum says he’s scarcely able to control his excitement as cards have been sent out to his Tory chums, inviting them to attend ‘her little soldier’s’ upcoming Birthday Party being held in the Westminster branch of McDonald’s.
Speaking to reporters a freshly-scrubbed and rosy-cheeked Gavin said: ‘Oh goody-goody gum drops! We’re going to have such a super-duper time. We shall all have cheeseburger happy meals with a Spiderman toy in each one and Mummy’s baking a Cadbury’s Buttons birthday cake with nine candles, aren’t you Mummy? We’re also having fizzy pop and will play lots of games too. Pin the penis on Putin is my favourite.’
‘But of course as a serious politician it won’t be all fun fun fun. We will have a contemplative thirty minute session when we are going to write letters to Russia’s politicians telling them to go away and shut up and Mummy will post them to the Disney Palace where they all live in Moscow. So that will jolly well show them not to mess with Great Britain.’
However it’s understood there are to be several high-profile exclusions to the guest list. Gavin’s Mum confirmed there will be no Boris Johnson (a big bruising bully and piggy-wiggy old greedy-guts who’d eat all the food) Jacob Rees-Mogg (too scary) and Mark Francois (much too common).