A study has concluded that both Ray Mears and Bear Grylls are utterly pointless and have no relevance to anyone but themselves. They only exist in the public eye because of putting themselves in stupidly life-threatening perils that 99.99999999999999999999% of everyone in the country will never dream of putting themselves in.

The study’s author, Prof. Wesley Hampton said: ‘What they do is like being famous for cutting your bollocks off with a blunt hacksaw and then cooking a dinner party for four. It serves no purpose whatsoever and in all honesty you’d never ever do it yourself, yet this pair of chancers go to remote areas of the world and live by foraging off whatever they can find in the wild; distilling drinking water from stagnant alligator piss and festering pools of fetid discharged elephant semen.’

‘My suggestion to both would be for them to get a grip on themselves.  Forget building a jungle shelter out of palm fronds, coconut husks and baboon shit and just live a nice quiet and simple life in Croydon or Carshalton. Maybe take out a mortgage on an apartment or bungalow and buy their food in Sainsbury’s or Waitrose.’

‘Because if they did they’d find their lives a lot simpler and considerably less stressful. And of course the public would’t have to endure their pointless nonsense on TV.’