A man who hasn’t a pot to piss in, whose wife has left him for a gym instructor half her age and was, only today, standing with a bottle of painkillers in his hand ready to down the lot and end his miserable existence is now ecstatic with pure unbridled joy.
He told reporters: ‘I was at absolute rock-bottom and had no reason to live any longer. I considered my options and decided I had had enough and was about to kill myself. It seemed that there was no point in going on, but then suddenly just as I poured myself a half-pint of scotch and grabbed a handful of the pills my phone bleeped. And when I looked at the screen I couldn’t believe what I saw.’
‘It was a piece about The Duchess of Sussex hiving birth to a baby boy a few weeks ago and suddenly everything was all right with the world again. Birds were singing and the sun was shining. It was great to be alive.’
‘I missed the news when it happened and God knows I have nothing really worth much at all,’ added the man with tears in his eyes, ‘but whatever I can manage to scrape together I shall be taking to the gates at Buckingham palace and will hand it all in for the little chap’s future. What a truly fantastic day! God is truly great giving the nation sucha gift!’