In a landmark snap referendum held today, The Irish Republic has unanimously voted by a staggering 100% to refuse to accept the existence of Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Jacob Rees Mogg.
Said a very pleased Taoiseach, Leo Varadkar: ‘Well although of course we’re delighted by the result, really this was only to be expected.’
‘We have all heard unlikely tales that these three mythical individuals actually existed and how they colluded with The Daily Mail to tell lies, spread racial-hatred and small-minded xenophobia to Britain’s electorate, which in turn somehow managed to influence the Brexit vote for Britain to leave the EU.’
‘Well, yeah, sure thing. So amidst all that nonsense we were expected to believe they never once even considered the existence of Ireland… what? were we meant to believe they had never heard of James Joyce, Oscar Wilde or Val Doonican? Come on, pull the other one!’
‘Once you consider these glaringly ludicrous oversights then it’s obvious such obnoxiously obtuse dolts could never have been anything more than made-up bogey men fit only for fantasy stories.’
Meanwhile news of the Republic’s vote is expected to play well in Westminster, as commentators now believe Mrs May can now ignore all the clamour for a hard Brexit, and plough on with her feckless rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights dithering and procrastination on the issue, in the highly unlikely hope of somehow sorting out the entire abysmal shambles.