Insufferably bumptious Captain Mainwaring wannabe, irritating windbag and chief spouter of the ERG’s endless jingoistic drivel, Mark Francois, is said to be considering his next move after failing to get elected to one of London’s most exclusive clubs for top people.

The tell-it-like-it-is no-nonsense Essex man said: ‘I was put up for The Toffs by Jacob (Rees-Mogg) who told me, “Mark, my dear fellow, even though you are undoubtedly as common as muck, an absolute excrescence not to mention a beastly little tick to boot, you are nevertheless a shoo-in for membership as long as you are proposed by me.”

However a clearly angry Mr Francois continued: ‘But can you believe the stuck-up bastards had the rind to blackball me!’

‘Me! A former TA infantry officer, who once sacrificed a couple of weekends in The Lake District polishing boots and sleeping in a tent to keep well-to-do in-bred idiots like Toff’s members protected from the emerging threat of the neo-Nazi jackboot!’

Firing off a salvo of his now trademark quasi-biblical ripostes he added: ‘So verily I do say unto them – for as the Father has loved me, so too have I loved you, and yet you hath piss’d upon my chips, you bunch of elitist stuck-up inbreds!’

Incandescent with rage he then revealed it is is his intention to appeal the decision. ‘Just because they have turned me down once doesn’t mean that I can’t have another go does it? They might change their minds.’

‘And that of course it is the golden thread that runs through this great democracy of ours. We are allowed to change our minds, aren’t we?’