Tory Party would be leader, Michael Gove, has spoken of his deep regret over recent revelations that he took the Class A drug Cocaine when he was a journalist some years ago.
‘I regret this having been revealed very much indeed,’ a somewhat downbeat and glum Gove told reporters, ‘and it’s something that I am certainly not proud of, particularly as it now might well scupper my chances of becoming leader.’
‘Because even if I do make it through to the last two on the ballot paper sent out to party members, who by the way represent only 0.2% of the entire country’s electorate, hilarious isn’t it, still, the will of the people and democracy in action and all that stuff… well they might take a dim view of this matter.’
He then excused himself for a ‘brief comfort break’.
Upon his return a noticeably more animated and invigorated Mr Gove had this message for party members: ‘Look guys, I fucked up. Yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah… yeah… yeah. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. I-FUCKED-UP! but SO WHAT!!! You gotta forgive me. Be serene. Doing a line ain’t no biggie! Let’s all just chill out! Yeah? I mean COME ON!’
However his apology has failed to impress one party member, Gladys Martin (87) who said: ‘It’s a disgrace and when you think of all the people who can’t even get a job in a shop because they have spent convictions for smoking cannabis, yet Mr Gove, who’s been chasing the snowman, blowing up cracks, sniffing puff powders and tooting his Charlie expects us to elect him as our leader? Well I don’t think so, dear.’