It’s understood that the Government is being advised to shelve plans for high speed rail project, HS2, following the findings of an all-party think tank which has now reported back to ministers.

Group chairman, Dr William Neil, told reporters: ‘Much has been made of a potential gain of thirty minutes on the journey time from London to Birmingham. However this small prize would be won at phenomenal financial outlay, not to mention major environmental decimation and massive upheaval caused to many small rural communities. Therefore the group has concluded that if train timetables are simply adjusted by half an hour forwards, meaning all trains between London and Birmingham leave thirty minutes earlier both ways, then we have no problem.’

But the  Secretary of State for Transport, Chris Grayling, has hit back dismissing the group’s findings.  Speaking on Radio 4 he said: ‘Well that’s just a silly idea. I mean…erm…ah yes, right…got it! If we were simply to do that then there would be….err…no hang on…I think that HS2 is a vital project because….Oh, you know I had it then for a minute… come on, think man, think!… Thank you God! Got it! What about the grossly overpaid executives currently running the project? They’d all be out of a job and that would be a total tragedy, wouldn’t it?’