In a thinly disguised attempt to apply a veneer of respectability over the shameful process whereby 160,000 reactionary right-wing geriatric bigots, and one 33 year-old couple called Ollie and Jocasta from Chalfont St Giles, who really ought to know better but seemingly don’t, get to choose the next Prime Minister, it has been revealed that the Tory Party has issued approximately three hundred ballot papers to everyone eligible to vote.

Said a party spokesman: ‘If everyone who can vote actually does vote three hundred times then the final results will be calculated from a total of forty eight million papers, which as everyone knows is the size of the UK electorate.’

‘Let’s see the loony lefties get around that one, eh? And so therefore when Boris… err… I mean the winning candidate, whomsoever that may, be is announced, there can be no cry of foul play by anyone.’